Pokemon is ordinarily a children's game wherein the player collects and battles creatures know as Pocket Monsters, or Pokemon for short. However, when the player's ability has been tempered by years of experience, there is another challenge: the Nuzlocke Challenge. The rules here are:
- Any Pokemon that faints is dead.
- You are only allowed one chance to capture a Pokemon in a single area. If that Pokemon flees or faints, you cannot try again in that area.
- If all of your Pokemon die, you die, and the game ends.
And so I, Pokemon Trainer Mark, set out from Pallet Town in Pokemon LeafGreen, a remake of the first set of titles released on the Game Boy. I've chosen Charmander because the number of fire types are extremely scarce and the number of grass and water ty
pes are high, so I'm making it just a little bit easier on myself. I've also nicknamed h
im Jeff, after Joel McHale's character on Community.
Anyway, my asshole rival, Ryan, chose Squirtle. Of course he/she would, because he/she's an asshole who would pick Charmander's weakness. But whatever, Jeff tore the thing a new blowhole. Now to begin my adventure! ...after some chores.
Now that those were over, I could catch my first Pokemon! And... it's a Pidgey! And after coming quite close to screwing this up, I've got her! I will call her Britta, and she and my Charmander will hatefuck until getting over their damn selves and becoming close friends while they attend community college.
These two are soon (after nearly losing Britta while trying to level her up...)
joined by a Mankey, who strikes me as a Shirley. It only strikes me now that I can only have six Pokemon with me at a time, which makes me consider which characters I dislike most. I don't like thinking about it.
Soon following that was a Rattata, Joey, for obvious reasons. For less obvious reasons, Ryan shows up. For obvious reasons, I win. For even further obvious reasons, I laugh in his face, go catch a Weedle named Toxie in the forest, and dream about throwing the bug like a lawn dart at him/her. What an annoying asshole.
I emerged from Viridian Forest, ready to conquer the first Gym Leader, Brock Obama. He's a user of rock Pokemon, probably because only they can come close to resembling his rock-hard abs. Ripping off his shirt, he exposed his six-pack to the dimly lit gym r
oom, which still produced just enough light to shine brightly into my eyes. They also shone into his eyes, forcing his eyes closed, hidden away from the brilliance of his own washboard abs. I myself caught a short glimpse, but I was blinded for several seconds. When I came to, there was a man. A man with no legs. A man with two arms. A man with two arms coming out of the sides of his head. That man... was a dude. He drove a 1995 Geo. He was the Geo dude. And he was angry. He foamed at the mouth, but so brittle was he that the froth eroded his jaw. The Geo dude howled in pain that shook the mountains, but because he no longer had a jaw, it came out more like "myuhhhhhhhh." It seemed only polite for Shirley to kick him low, right where his rockbuttchin would have been. Crumbling to pieces, the Geo dude thanked us for our kindness.
Brock Obama fumed. His designated driver had been destroyed. He had but one ally left, and it was the writhing stone serpent Onix. Made out 57 individual stones, the serpent was massive, but too massive. A sly kick from Shirley, however, broke this magical chain of crag even swifter than The Dude had fallen. Barock the Rock collapsed, his magical abdominals too weak to save him from my power and comrades, the members of Greendale Community College and a few stupid animals, one of which was encased in a shell, soon to metamorphosize into a new, beautiful creature. Then there was Toxie the Kakuna, the big yellow bug. But we were tight, and that is why we won against B-Rock. As I pinned the victory badge to my lapel, I knew that we were bound for greatness. Not all of my friends would be, of course. They had terrible stats and movesets and they knew it. But the others... yes. They were bound to become legends.